There are a LOT of pregnancy books out there, just waiting for the mother to be. The pregnancy industry knows that we like to obsess about our “special pregnancyness” at this time, there are a lot of things we have to learn, a lot of information to take on.

That is where pregnancy guides can be so valuable.

Having looked through a lot of them by now, I’m a bit of a pro when it comes to choosing the right pregnancy guides for me. Admittedly I tend to prefer the ones that contain chapters entitled “Birthing with Wolves” and “Wild Eyed Blood Mother as Cosmic bringer of LIFE” and “WOMAN - Create the unassisted birth of your own child, severing the umbilical cord with your own teeth” so I might be a bit bit biased when I say that if the cover of the book I am looking at is rendered in ‘pastels’ I start to have an allergic reaction.

Firstly the ‘mother’ on the cover, if that is what she indeed is, looks like YOUR mother. Like YOUR mother does now at 65.
So Sisters,

Number One thing to expect when you are expecting is that you will look like your mother does now. (65, 75 or dead)

Number Two thing to expect when you are expecting is that you will get your hair cut into a unflattering mom bobbed whispy mousey fringed thing. Gone are the days when your long flowing locks entwined his manhood and you wuthered together atop a hill! Get thee to the barbers and shear yourself Delilah!

Number Three thing to expect when you are expecting is that you will throw out all of your nice clothes and buy a yellow lambswool twinset, red velour trousers and sheepskin old lady slippers from British Home Stores, Elderly Comfort t.m. Collection. I mean why bother looking attractive now? You’ve already scored the sperm! Let’s get practical already! At least looking like this, he can’t make you pregnant twice!

Number Four thing to expect when you are expecting is that you will need to sit in a rocking chair and rock all day long. Rock Rock Rock. (it’s not the kind of ‘rocking’ you are probably used to) Maybe you will do some knitting (and I’m not talking cool knitting here) If you aren’t allergic to flowers you can put some next to your chair so that you have something pretty to look at. Even better you can read the book called “What to Expect When You are Expecting” and become so worried and upset by all the scary things that it tells you will happen to your baby inside your pitiful useless female body unless the Big Strong Doctor comes to SAVE you, that you spontaneously miscarry all over that nice clean rocking chair!

Hmmm, I’m now wondering if those trousers were actually white to begin with?