If a dog needs a coat, is it a dog?
If you have to carry a dog, is it a dog?

If you have to feed your icky wicky doggie with an icky sticky spoony, is it a dog?

If your little doggie shivers when it walks

Has a bizarre temperament, barks at shoes

If your little doggie makes runny messy-mess (which you don’t clean up on account of it being liquid) is it a dog?*

So is it really a dog? Did you dock it’s tail? Does it have an Alessi feeding bowl and do you feed it organic kibble that you have moistened in your own mouth first?

Is it a dog? Or is it

AN ANOREXIC UGMO GNASHER POOPOOFIFI PIGBABY?

*Guess what I stepped in this morning?